Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Target: Dora

You know how some days - you just get frustrated - pick a trigger, any trigger - and from that point of frustration ON - oh -heaven help the person standing between you and peace.

Okay - so today - it's Dora. Yep, Dora the Explorah - Lets just bring that Spanglish speaking minor child to the forefront for a moment.

First of all - lets hit the obvious. She's an illegal alien. Facts that support this idea are as follows:

1) She is NEVER supervised. This tells us that her poppy is standing at the corner near Home Depot - right next to the sign that says "no loitering" and "Do not pick up day workers" and her mother is standing in line at the Department of Economic Security. Abuella is sitting at their house watching Mexican soap operas mumbling under her breath to no one in particular about how when she was in Mexico, they couldn't just go to the store with stamps and get free tortilla's they had to actually MAKE them.

2) Dora is obese - boarder lining morbidly obese - why would I say that illegal aliens are obese...here's why....Her mother filled out the the Department of Economic Security application and instead of saying there were 3 people in the house, she claimed all 14, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews and parents (and even a few neighborhood kids that have come over to play - including Diego)...but since most of those people have already filled out the forms to get their own food stamps and claimed the same 14 people that Dora's mom claimed - they are being fed 14 times the amount of a normal household, thus causing the offspring and others in the household to over eat - since - well, who knows where their next meal is coming from, right?

3) Household pets? What's that...You won't see an American citizen climbing trees with a rabid monkey or being escorted around the country side in a car driven by an unlicensed illegal heifer who doesn't speak English and needs Dora's help to determine weather or not they should jump over the log rolling down the hill toward them or if he should just stay where he is and let it damage his vehicle, go to the hospital for free medical attention for swollen teets that were hit by the log, and talking with an attorney plotting a civil rights law suit since there were no signs posted about rolling logs. - my point - he's not bright enough to be driving - he doesn't understand English and furthermore, they don't understand a car just can't JUMP over a log. (side note: the word "Jump" when you re in a car driven by a Mexican foreign national just means "push the hydraulic button") Not only that, if the heifer's car wasn't chopped and lowered to the ground, the logs would just roll under her vehicle - saving tax payers thousands of dollars. Lowering vehicles should be illegal.

4) The monkey wears boots...why? Cause the salvation army was handing them out during a hospitality clothing drive - and well, what would a Mexican do with actual shoes? Lets give it to our rabid pet monkey and the mariachi band of crickets and cockroaches...Mexicans don't need shoes, they grew up without shoes - their feet have become somewhat leather-fied - and besides that - they have my carpet to clean their feet off on...what is the purpose of shoes except to keep from being kicked out of McDonalds "no shirt, no shoes, no service" who enforces that anyway?

5) She's got everything she'll ever need in one backpack - which conveniently changes items depending on what she needs. We never see how those items get in there - only that they're there if she feels like she needs them. We never see "Stephanie" at school crying because now her favorite pair of gloves are missing. No, only that Dora has the gloves all of the sudden - magically, when her hands get cold. Right, the backpack, lets call him "Chico" takes care of his little Dora. Not only that - but she needs help deciding which item will keep her hands warm, so she has to ask Chico - is it the hubcap? NO. Is it the Big Screen TV? NO. Is it the Wii system with the same package that James got for Christmas? No. Look, try the gloves. They "match" Stephanie's gloves. Stephanie will never think you took it - since she's in school - and never sees you - since - you're HOME SCHOOLED BY A RABID MONKEY.

6) Swiper the Fox represents little Stephanie's dad. (Notice he doesn't have any shoes) He just wants to get a job - and can't - because well, he follows the rules & doesn't loiter by the Home Depot - and he's just trying to take back little Stephanie's gloves - because well, since the frostbite/amputation of 2006 (blame it on global warming), she's only got 3 fingers on her right hand, and if she doesn't cover them up on a cold day - she'll lose the others and then how will she write her research essay on America the Beautiful? Swiper has tried to get into the Salvation Army's hospitality tent, but since they started speaking spanish only, for their "customers" they sometimes misdirect him to the wrong line - where he ends up arrested for loitering...

Stay tuned for tomorrow - when I talk about the oppressed housewife & how they relate to "Wonder Pets"

Monday, January 28, 2008

Biting my tongue

This is today: Trying to break free from the mess in the other house - seems like we kept running into deeper problems!!



Check out the carpet - they put asphalt on it - whose phalt, theirs?! LOL! The carpet guy said he could clean it, it would look BETTER, but not much - but it might be better if he threw tar on the clean spots to even up the color a bit... (btw - pictures were taken AFTER we hauled 780 pounds of crap to the city dump so you can "see" the carpet!) still a bunch more junk to clean up...

(in a Cheech Marin voice) "Hey Jose - I'm cold, can you build a fire in the living room? NO? Okay - how about the covered patio...see Heffe - it's fun to swim in January when you got a fire by the pool to keep ya warm"

"It's biodegradable - just throw it in the corner - the earth will eat it up - we love using the American Landfill!!"

I don't want to say anything stereotypical or uh - patriotic, it might be construed as racist - but can you believe that there are people who choose to live like this?
I've left out pictures of holes and various "drawings" left on the walls - by youth and adults alike - yep, the markers on the walls are tall enough to where a child - who "wouldn't" know any better wouldn't be able to reach - so yah - done either by
a very tall child - or an adult walking through the house not realizing an uncapped marker was sticking from their ear...? Kitchen cabinets & drawers had vomit in them - kitchen sink was missing the "trap" under it - and a bucket was placed there to catch the first gallon of water that they used -- the let the cabinets & floor catch the overflow from the bucket - so there's plenty of water damage - but WAIT, that's not all, they left the valves from the washer hookup - OPENED so those had water shooting from them, also. Perhaps this particular breed of foreign nationals aren't used to running water? I'm sure of it - since they appeared to have used to pool as a toilet.

Items they took that didn't belong to them (that I can think of right off top of my head ---- I've already edited this 4 times to add stuff I forgot! LOL!)
The Fridge - the welcome mat, the hardware for the drapes, the drapes, the TOILET PAPER HOLDERS, the shower curtains, the bath tub plugs/faucets, door knobs, uh - our fountain on the outside - well, left the fountain, took the pump...I'm sure more things will come up - but SERIOUSLY toilet paper holders? It just doesn't make sense!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Chickens in the Fridge?

Mom: What did you guys put in the mop bucket?

Howie: Oh - well, Ross didn't put the bucket of eggs back the right way in the fridge so when I opened it, all the eggs fell out and hatched RIGHT there on the floor.

hatched.

Friday, January 25, 2008

One step foward....

Well, we went to court today and got a Judgement against the people in our house. It was nice, since they weren't there to defend themselves, we added on another month of rent that they neglected to pay when they moved in...and it wasn't contested (it probably would have been - using the deposit as a "rent payment", but they weren't there to fight it!) so I got the judgment.

Then I went to the bank to get the money - well, apparently you have to fill out a BOOK to get a writ of garnishment - but while I was at the bank - I had them look up a copy of the check the deposit was written on - and then they looked up the bank account - it has since been closed! Which MEANS - the renters have done this before - they know they're subject to being garnished - so they closed their bank account. FANTASTIC.

I'm doubtful we'll see the money they owe us - we'll hand it over to a collection group - who - if they get anything - will keep 50%...

Meanwhile we get to go by the house and clean it up again - fix the pool, again - these guys are GOLDEN, ya know...

Can't wait to get some new slackers who are willing to pay the rent for the next 3 months before they go default on us!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Next time - STUDY!!!

So I took a test last week - FAILED MISERABLY! It was my glucose test. I actually told the doctor to skip that test & jump to the 3 hour test...I knew I was going to fail (pessimist!) - but NOOOOOO - he wouldn't hear of it - instead he said "eat a piece of toast before, it'll absorb all that sugar and you'll be fine. LIES - all them!

So my number was 178. Not boarderline - but DEEEP into the jungle of sugar coma...I go in for a re-test tomorrow.

I'm going to study. or I'm going to have a 16 pound baby. Place your bets now! Any ideas as to what I can do for 3 hours while I'm sitting in the doctor's office? Should I read? Or knit booties? or bring a pilla & catch some Z's?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

An optomistic view of the stomach virus...

Yes, Brynn was sick on Kiersten's birthday party. I have to preceed this by telling you - I DIDN'T KNOW that the night before her actual party - Brynn threw up. I heard her crying for only a second, then I heard someone walking around upstairs a little bit - and I listened intently, but no one called, so I went back to sleep, assuming Brynn was demanding a drink from Kiersten, who answers her every call! (Note to self: if the kids ever complain about how spoiled Brynn is -- blame it on THEM, they know not how to say NO!)

So the next morning (Wed) Brynn was being a little cuddly - my stomach was churning a bit, so I gave her a pacifyer and put her in front of the TV so I could lay down - I just didn't feel too well...about 15 minutes into my "laying down" Brynn came in telling me she spit...well, it was a big spit - and now she knows to call it PUKE. I gave her a bath & cleaned up the couch & her blanket, the couch pillows, etc - when I went upstairs to put them in the washing machine, I found all of Kiersten's bedding on the floor in the laundry room. Puked upon. Brynn puked the night before, Kiersten got her cleaned up - changed the sheets & back to bed without waking us! WOAH! That's above and beyond. What will I ever do without her? I hate the thought of her going to YW camp this summer!

Okay -- ff to Thursday night - I got up mid-night and decided that having a peaceful nights sleep is out of the question. I thought it might be beneficial - considering my recent weight gain - to do a full GI cleanse. I started it at about midnight - being careful to catch the ejected poisons in a "I can't believe it's not butter" container (seeing as there's little difference between that particular nasty dish and the equally nasty dish I was purging...I figured it was an appropriate match.)

Without getting into the gory details of this particular cleanse - and knowing it lasted just over 24 hours, I am thrilled to report I have lost a whopping 8 pounds! Granted, it's all water weight...I'm hoping it stays off until I visit the OB again in a week!

Meanwhile two other members of the family have caught on to the GI cleansing - as it does in most "social circles" and have decided to take on the challenge of who is the biggest loser. So far I take the cake! Howie had a few instances last night where he neatly puked into his pillow case being careful to avoid getting it on his bed where he was sleeping...and Kiersten, came up this morning deciding that she wanted in on a little "babying" action - starting her total body cleanse off in my bathtub. Yah for pinesol, right?! Too bad this baby gut won't let me reach the back end of the bathtub without climbing in on it!

Well, I didn't realize how losing so much fluid can take so long to get back - I drank over a gallon of water yesterday - still woozy, and still quite dehydrated, only slightly deyhdrated today after drinking another ALMOST gallon of water.

Three days behind on cleaning & laundry - guess I best be starting on the rest of the week! As much as I didn't enjoy the cleanse at the time. I'm sort of glad that I had two days in bed to do nothing but have people wait on me - no, I didn't feel good, but I'm glad my family stepped it up - AND Kathy - the RSP - inspired as she was - brought us dinner and brought me some drugs! I LOVE HER! XOXO Kath!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The "barfday" party...

Well, it was just barfday for one little girl! The other 18 had fun!

Kiersten chose to use her birthday money for a party at Pump it Up! It's a bounce house of sorts. I was a little worried because I thought it might be catered toward younger children, but they had two bounce houses in this room that each had a "gladiator" type setup - one with oversized boxing gloves (yah, cause you know how much 12 year old girls love to box?) and the other with those long q-tip like sticks to knock each other off a big pillow type blowup thing within the bounce house - that was fun to watch.

Then there was an obstacle bounce house course and a huge slide.


We came to the house aferwords for dinner (nacho bar) and cake - the BIG cake from costco that takes normally a week or two for our whole family to finish off. Well, apparently 18 girls it only takes about 20 minutes for the entire nacho bar AND cake to dissapear! Which is good...I'd be burping up chocolate all week. I should send them each a thank you card!


And for the cutest "break your heart" picture of the day - the barf-day girl! She just thinks it's nasty to have puke on her clothes so she's keeping the "bucket" close by! poor girl - breaks my heart! But isn't it cute all at the same time? (her hair actually looks cute because she blew chunks on it earlier - so we had to wash it and make sure it was pulled out of her face for the next round of chunks!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Busy week...again!

Well, on the 9th Ross & I celebrated our 15 year anniversary by taking the family up past Flagstaff & going sledding! There was just over a foot of snow & the kids had a blast. Yep, I even took pictures...which the camera card did something funky - so I have since sent it off to have a friend help retrieve the pictures! Thanks Alisa!

Meanwhile the kids did enjoy sledding - we are such "warm weather" people -- sledding with tennis shoes and blue jeans - we did put a layer of thermal jammies under their pants - which worked a whole 5 extra minutes! Howies toes froze (from listening to his screams, you would have thought he lost his entire foot!) but he warmed them up by the fire and went back up the hill - came back down after another hour or so - screaming like a banshee & had to warm them up at the fire again! (insert picture of Howie's toes - use your imagination)

We put a pot of stew on - so 1/2 way through the festivities of sledding, they came down & ate stew & hot cocoa! Brynn went out for all of 5 minutes and really enjoyed the snow until she realized it wasn't going to get any warmer - so then she & I hung out in the car (insert cute picture of Brynn - use your imagination)

Then, this last weekend Ross took his scouts, along w/ Howie back to that sledding place & they did a winter camp-out - Howie did much better, the boys kept the fire at a level to keep everyone happy (insert picture of kids sitting on top of bon fire to keep warm - yep, again - use your imagination)

The most "exciting" news came yesterday when I went to the doctor for my regular check-up. I had to go in high on sugar for my glucose test - then get my blood drawn, and after waiting over an hour for my doctor, I decided I was too sugary high and shaky to be patient and left. Got a grease burger from McDonalds (blecht!) and went to a park by Ross' office to let Brynn play for a spell before I went back to another doctor for my GERIATRIC ultrasound (this is the ultrasound that "old people" - oh - wait "mature women" get to have for extra care screening) everything's good. The baby is still a girl, but the due date moved up a few more days...I'm not changing my ticker, but my dreams of having an April fools day baby are slowly slipping from my grip! My new due date is March 20th. The baby was just over 3 pounds - don't exactly remember the ounces...maybe 8? Got some really cute pictures of the baby -



Today Pete's coming back into town - so I'm off to make sure the aim-impaired son of mine hasn't entirely ruined my OCD brother's bathroom...I love the smell of pine-sol! REALLY - particularly when I'm pregnant - I don't know why! And comet - and windex...and chalk - yah - weird!

Monday, January 07, 2008

My house is proud of me!

If no one else applauds my efforts to get things done today - my house has been applauding me all day.

I think it realized how difficult it was for me to get out of bed with the headache I fought all night. I hear applause. I really do!

I was so dizzy and my stomach doesn't feel right - like I'm full, but I haven't eaten, and yet, I still did the dishes. I hear applause all around me. I'm not making this up! The house is clapping!

I changed Brynn's clothes, combed her hair and played cookie monster & little piggies going to the market with her. The house cheered me on. No kidding. It's still doing it.

How motivating the sound of appreciation is - as I worked up the energy to go upstairs and move the clothes to the dryer, even pick up a few wet towels from the ground & hang them on hooks...yes, I bent over, even though I'm pregnant and have a headache and my stomach doesn't feel right!

I decided I was going to record this rare feeling of accomplishment in my blog. Again, the house continued to show signs of appreciation. I might be so bold as to say currently, I'm getting an ovation.

So I let the dog out to do her business. It's raining.

Turns out, the house wasn't excited for me to get out of bed or do the dishes or change Brynn's clothes, do her hair or play with her. It's just thrilled it's getting a bath. So it's been saying "CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP!" all day.

I love the rain - it's so motivating!

Later today, I'm going to see if the car likes the way I drive - I have to go to the store & do some shopping! No doubt, I'll be needing the applause to stop while I'm in the store - don't need anything cheering me on to buy more things than I need!

I love the rain!

Saturday, January 05, 2008

It's the HAPPY BIRTHDAY post to Kiersten!!


Yep, she's 12 today - no longer a child, but a young woman! 12 reasons why I love Kiersten:

1 - She is a peacemaker.

2 - She is a nurturer. The "other mother" She LOVES spending time with her younger siblings (even moreso when they're babies!)

3 - She's a good cook!

4 - She's a friend to everyone. All the kids at school love her, she's fair and her friends know she's true because she never talks bad about anyone!

5 - She helps those around her!

6 - She's a great teacher -- Brynn is learning to be quite the baker, too!

7 - Patient! She lets others take turns first - or play with toys first, she serves treats to others first!

8 - She is a camera ham! She loves posing for pictures!

9 - She loves TAKING pictures! She got a digital camera for Christmas a year ago and has perfected her picture taking skills!

10 - She rarely complains when asked to do chores...maybe the occasional eye roll, but she'll do them without any verbal complaints!

11 - She's very "girl" she loves flowers, butterflies and fish!

12 - She's got GREAT hair!








Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Happy New Year!

We went to the zoo yesterday!

I suppose it was fun. I don't think I'll buy another annual pass - it seems like once they've gotten the basic layout of the zoo down, the most fun they can have is at the zoo playground - which is just as ordinary as any other playground we've ever seen!

Our first stop was the train...we didn't want to walk all the way around to the petting zoo - good thing we didn't, the petting zoo was closed "under construction" but we did enjoy the pleasant upright metal seating of the train -- "toot toot"...


They did enjoy playing on the African Safari animals. Here's Kiersten surfin' the 'gator...

Kali prefered the more genTEEL approach of posing on the head of the crock -or gator - or whatever it is wrapped up in that metal...

Here's my pearl - er, uh - grain of sand - you be the judge!

Then - how can we escape the orangutang slayer?

Brynn was a little apprehensive about getting on the baby elephant! So her dad had to protect her...


She finally warmed up to the elephant when she discovered that not only can you pick your own nose, but you can apparently pick the elephant's too! She enjoyed that more than I like to admit!

We tried to talk Rossi into doing a "Legolas" and pulling himself up to the top of the elephant with one arm, but he's a shicken!