Flight to Boise

After cleaning out the car & making arrangements for mom at the local funeral home, everything was pretty much done that needed to be done in Vegas, Pete & Vince were trying to get Dad and me back to Boise.  Dad was content to go back to Phoenix for a few days then onto Boise.  I think he was afraid to go home without mom.  Not that anyone would blame or be angry, it's just a tough thing to have to face.

Ross dropped us off at the airport.  We were on the last flight to Boise.  We hadn't eaten yet that day - so Dad & I split a two piece chicken tender from Church's chicken in the airport.  It was $8. For two pieces of airport chicken. Nasty.  Not that either of us were hungry, we just ate for strength.

We go on the plane.  The flight was relatively full, we were sitting toward the very back of the plane - we checked the 4 bags that they would let us (stuff from the car) and carried on mom's pillows.  We sat isle & window leaving the pillows between us...so no one would be tempted to sit there.  No one did.  Thankfully.

After the plane took off, I layed across on my dad's lap.   He put his hand on my shoulder.  I cried silently.  I'm sure he did, too.  I needed a tissue.  I was starting to snot up the pillows.  I didn't want to wash away her smell.  So I got up to go to the lavatory in the back.  After dad let me pass, and I saw him sit back down - I could no longer hold it in.  I ran back and locked myself in the restroom where I spent the next few minutes convulsively crying.

I gathered myself enough to go back to sit with Dad and rest a bit.

We were the last ones off the airplane.  We had agreed to meet my siblings at the curb so as not to make a big deal at the baggage claim - and to give me & Dad a few minutes to get ready to face everyone else.

Of course, they didn't stick to the plan.  As we walked out passed the security - I could see Ammon standing as close as he could to the glass doors at the end of our corridor.  I tried to hold it in; to be strong for him, as the tears came to my eyes; I used all the neck muscles I had to keep the tears from falling, I turned to Dad to prepare him, "Ammon's here."  As I turned over to tell Dad that Ammon was there, I could see Pete, Mel & Vince through the glass hall separating us. They were walking along side us.

To embrace my siblings at the end of the flight was so painful.  To watch Dad and hear as he apologized to my siblings "I'm sorry I couldn't bring her home."  As I went down the line hugging each of my siblings, I noticed onlookers realizing what was going on as their smiles turned to heart ache for us. One lady grabbed the arm of the man beside her and put her forehead on his shoulder as if she understood the pain we were going through.

We picked up the bags and the ride back to Vince's was full of Dad explaining again everything that had happened just 27  hours earlier.  How he stood alone outside the accident cite as they tried to cut Mom out of the car.  Someone gave him a jacket, someone else gave him a blanket. 

We arrived at Vince's and Dad finished the story as we sat in the car in the garage.  We all then walked into Vince's house to find the rest of the family there.  I must not have been paying attention to the cars out front, I didn't expect to see everyone.  I thought it was just going to be us. Everyone was there.  We all hugged and cried and blew our noses...once we got settled in, Dad talked some more while they all gathered around.  I sat back from everyone just taking it all in.  I was already pretty emotionally spent after getting to Vegas and running around getting things taken care of there. I snapped this photo.

Pete gave dad a blessing.  It spoke of understanding the atonement and the Plan of Salvation. It was touching.

A phone call

I was asleep, which is unusual for 10:30pm, but I was so exhausted, my parents had been visiting me the last 3 weeks, and left me with a lot of extra work - you know - when parents come to visit, your house always has to be clean and dishes always done, children on their best behavior.  Who knew that would be so much work?

Well, they left about 11:00am.  I stood at the garage door after I gave them each two hugs.  For some reason I got a little misty eyed.  My dad had to come back in and look at a map, so I quickly wiped away the tears.  No need to let them know I was a sentimental sap.  I watched them drive away again while I was standing in the door to the garage.

I went into the guest room and cleaned it up - changed the sheets, vacuumed the room - took a deep breath and was finally glad they were gone.  Not that I didn't want them around, it's just a lot of upkeep having guests.

My mom butt-dialed me about an hour after they left - they were at sams club trying to get gas, I think they were trying to talk a member into using their card so they could pump the gas.  I listened for a few minutes and laughed about it and hung up.  I wondered why they were still in Phoenix and getting gas.  I guess the construction on the way out was less than cooperative.

My dad missed his turn from the 303 to Grand - They called and had to turn around - and then let me know they were on the right road and headed toward Vegas.

Meanwhile to help them get out the door on time, I offered to finish sewing a skirt that mom started making for Coby.  She made me promise to text her a photo.  This is what I sent her:

 She responded saying something about how shy Coby was, and sent me this photo of her & dad.

Mom called again all worried from Vegas, they wanted to know how far away the next nearest city for gas was.  I told them Alamo was 90 miles away.  They decided they needed to turn back toward Vegas to get gas just to be safe.  Then mom told me about their dinner - they had a nice sit-down meal and dad talked about the Phoenix Aquarium the entire time.  She couldn't find her prescriptions and wanted to know where I put them - I assured her I packed everything in her room - and that it was somewhere in the car...Then she started crying about something which was making me uncomfortable, so I excused myself to be with my family during dinner.

After dinner, I grabbed the bedding and towels from the guest room to put them in the washer, I heard my mom's bag of prescription & other supplements rattle around.  I sent her a text "I found your pill bag wrapped in the sheets in the dirty clothes, tell me if you want me to fed ex them to you, I can get them out tomorrow"  She didn't respond.

I sent them another text at 9:20 telling them I was going to bed, but I wanted them to call me when they got home so I knew they were home safe.  Then I fell asleep.

At 10:30pm I got a phone call.  I was awakened from a solid sleep, which is very unusual.  It was my dad.  He said that he & mom were in a little fender bender outside of Vegas and asked if I could come and pick them up.  But to go back to sleep and get them in the morning.  I told him there was NO WAY I could go back to sleep and leave them stranded in that nasty city!  I was going to put some shoes on and be right there.

I asked him why he was still in Vegas so late.  He said it took a few hours to find my phone number, that his phone was destroyed.  That he had to get my phone number from Ammon.  I asked him how they were.  He said he was fine, not a scratch.  I asked how mom was, he said "we're fine, don't worry about us," and to just come tomorrow after I wake up.  Again I told him there was no way I was going back to sleep I'd be right there!

Ross got up with me and we slipped some shoes on and woke up Kiersten and told her to stay home from school tomorrow to babysit Coby; that Grandma & Grandpa were in an accident and we had to go get them.  She was excited to miss school.

We went to QT to fill up and get going.  While there, I sent Ammon a text asking him if Dad told him about the accident.  He didn't know too much about it - but then after a few texts back and forth, I told him I was going to Vegas to pick them up, it occurred to us, (Crysty was talking in the background) that Mom has my phone number memorized, and also, I didn't her her rambling in the background.  She normally would be interrupting Dad giving him some kind of instructions.  I told them (Ammon & Crysty) I would sneak in a call to the hospital and get a status update on them and use the excuse of letting them know I was on my way and to expect me in 4 or so hours.

I called the number Dad gave me.  Someone answered the phone, I couldn't hear what he said, so I asked "Is this the hospital" he said "Yes" I said "My mom and dad came in there earlier tonight..." he interrupted me, "Peter?" I was a little shocked that he knew my dad's name, but maybe they were the only accident that night - or the only couple there, or I got a number directly to the nurses desk where they were..."Yes, that's my dad" then the guy who answered the phone said, "He's in talking to the coroner, I'll get him." He put me on hold.

I can't even begin to tell you how fast my brain started to turn.  I heard the word "Coroner" and knew instantly - everything that Dad had said over the phone so calmly was to protect my emotions while on the road to get him.  I yelled "NO, No, STOP, wait, don't tell him!!!!" I didn't want Dad to know that I had heard already.  I didn't want him to worry about me while I was on my way to go be with him.

My husband stopped the car in the middle of the road.  I was hyperventalating, trying to calm down so when my dad got on the phone I could pretend that I didn't know.  I heard his voice.  I heard the pain and tears and exhaustion in his voice, "Hello, Heidi?" He had to have known that the guy who answered the phone made a mistake in what he had said..."Daddy?" My voice cracked, I couldn't speak in a clear voice, "the guy told me...it's too late, you're talking to the coroner?!" I was gasping for air, I didn't even recognize my own voice from the pain that was coming through in it,  "what happened?" 

"I'm sorry, I couldn't bring her home..." His voice was now full of anguish, "What do you want to know?"
"Were you speeding? Why do you drive so fast?"
"NO!  I was NOT speeding, I was not doing ANYTHING wrong..."

If it's even possible to feel relief, that sentence comforted me.  I'm so glad he was following the laws.  He even had his seat belt on.  I can't imagine the pain he'd have to live with if he had made that gross error in judgment.

He then explained to me they had just gone up a hill and a guy was coming from the other direction passing a series of trucks.  Dad pulled to the right to get out of the lane that the oncoming car was in, and the oncoming car also pulled over to that shoulder in order to give my father the right of way.  It was a head-on collision. It took out the passenger side of the vehicle.  Where my mom was sitting.  My father's side was left completely untouched.

He had no idea she was injured because his injuries were so minor.  He tried to start the car to move it out of the middle of the road.  It didn't start.  He looked at my mom and saw that she was breathing, and stepped out of the car to see how the other driver was doing.  He took two steps and decided he didn't care how the other driver was, he wanted to make sure mom was okay.  That's when he noticed her breathing was not in regular intervals.

Of course, this is where I have to call Ammon & Crysty back to let them know what I had heard on my mom's condition in the hospital.  I understood why my dad wanted me to sleep one more night.  So I put on my calm voice and called Ammon and told him "I just talked to dad, mom's resting, we'll call you in the morning."

This is where I say the rest is history.  Of course, he has shared details of giving her CPR, them cutting her out of the car, and pulling her into the ambulance.  I am not sure how many details I want to put on my blog.  I just wanted to record what happened that night - I feel like I'll never forget, but even now, a month later, I'm reliving the same conversation and emotions I had on the night of January 16th.

We got to the hospital in Vegas, I picked up dad and we went to a hotel.  Of course, we all tried to sleep, but that wasn't coming too easily.  I watched as Ross and my dad's breathing evened out and it looked like they got a few hours of sleep - I heard their heavy breathing and I got a text at 6:00 from Karli asking if everyone was okay.  I responded that we're in the hotel room and sleeping and I'd talk to her when we got up for the day. I ignored phone calls, and finally when my dad got up, we started making the phone calls.

We started with Pete.  Dad asked what he was doing, and tried to make small talk, then he pushed these words out of his mouth as calmly as he could "I'm sorry to say that today, your mother is flying with the angels" of course, when he got to the word "flying" he had to try harder to push the words out of his mouth, he handed the phone and took a few steps back and cried into a tissue, I had to tell my brother the rest of the story and filled in the blanks.

We called Ammon, Vince & Melody...each time Dad could barely finish the sentence "Today your mother flies with the angels." And handed me the phone to explain what that sentence meant.

It didn't get any easier as we called her sister and his sisters and his mother.  Every time dad handed the phone to me after he said his sentence "I'm sorry to tell you this, but today, Floss is flying with the angels." That sentence never got any easier.

After we made the phone calls, we then went to collect items from the car.  Just 6 inches further over.  Just one more mile an hour slower, just one more bite of dinner...if the waiter at dinner had been a few seconds slower to bring them the ticket, if they had ordered a dessert; any of that could have prevented this so perfectly timed accident that ripped my mother out of my life.

I've heard people say before that "you're in my prayers" and I've heard people say before "I feel your prayers" well, I tell you, now I understand what that means.

In the coming days, I'll share with you some special experiences I've had - and while I've definitely felt the comforter envelop me in his love, it's so hard to imagine life without my mom. I want to relive the last 3 weeks she spent at my house. I want to joke with her more, make her laugh one more time, hear her say again what a fabulous mother she thinks I am (all while I snicker behind her back because I know better!) even to hear her voice one last time.  Who thought to take the time to write all her recipes? This is something we do when mom's sitting in her wheelchair at the old-folks home.

I don't ever want to be to a point where I say "my mom's been dead for 5 years now."  I don't want time to move.  I want to keep her in my mind where she was just a few weeks ago in my house.  I don't want to forget the love I feel for her, I don't want time to heal me, I want to remember her and always miss her.  People say it gets better with time, I don't want time to change. I  want it all to be how it was. When she was fussing around my house at 2 in the morning keeping me awake doing laundry in my bath tub.