How to look like an idiot:

Most of my life, I've been bragging to others about my swimmability. I've been swimming since before I can remember. I have pictures of me and my mom in the pool and I was as comfortable as a fish.

My grandma is a swimmer. In fact, we call her "Grandma Swim" She just celebrated her 90th birthday. She said "most people get drunk on their birthday's, I do laps." (in a tankini - doing the American back crawl, as she calls it)


The SCUBA instructor told us we'd have to swim 200 meters non-stop.

No problem AT ALL. Since my kids are on swim team, they do this without really blinking - technically, they do three times that without even blinking. And it must not be that demanding since they come home & have enough energy to chase the other up the stairs and around the house like cats & dogs.

I told the swim coaches they were slacking - when I was a child, my mom made us practice our strokes - not only did we do lap after lap of all manners of strokes, she even made up a few, case & point: butterflies do not swim.

No, in fact, if you've ever seen one try to, they quite flail around. I think this thing people call "butterfly" stroke should be changed to the ORCA stroke. Because that's what you look like doing the Orca.

Nothing resembling a butterfly...plus - you only use two legs during the kick - if I remember correctly, don't butterflies have at least - well, I don't want to upstage you w/ my knowledge of the insect kingdom, so I'm going to leave it at -- butterflies have at least more than 2 legs.

So my mom made us do lap after lap after lap practicing our orca stroke. Why can't the swim team coaches kick it up a notch? 800 meters of swimming in an hour is hardly worth getting up in the morning. When I was practicing my strokes we did at least twice that...and that was just one way - UP the slide...before school every morning...which wasn't so bad when we lived in Texas.

But when we moved to Idaho, this baloney about getting up at the crack of dawn to chisel a hole in the ice in the pool so we could do our laps got old quick.

Regardless, when my SCUBA instructor told us we'd need to swim 200 meters, I had flashbacks of all the laps I did as a child growing up in Iceland, and it seemed like a reasonable request. The water will be warm and I'm a lot more buoyant than I was just a mere 20 years ago.

I went to the pool during the girls' syncro practice. Holly was there. We were both sunbathing by the kiddie pool. The conversation went something like this:

Holly: Are you going to practice swimming the 200 meters?
Me: Hmm, I never thought of that, do you think we need to?
(note: Holly's a realist)
Holly: I haven't done laps since high school! I'm nervous!
Me: Oh - it's like riding a bike - It'll be fine!
Holly: Do you mind watching the babies while I give'er a go?
Me: No problem

Holly's my skinny ballerina friend. Her life's ambition was to be a ballerina. Travel the world with the ballet. She got married & had 6 kids - bless her heart to keep talking about doing ballet - yah - when she's 80, says I! (I guess we're all realists when it comes to different ambitions?)

So Holly comes back about -- oh 5-10 minutes - ALL out of breath.

"That was HARD"

"Really, huh? Maybe I should try it"

This was said in more of a braggard tone - knowing I could swim 200 meters BACKWARDS with my eyes closed - particularly since I didn't have goggles.

The 200 meter test doesn't look at form or speed, you can do this in 3 days, as long as you keep moving...you can do any stroke you want or no stroke at all, just wiggle your arms while you're lying on your back if you need to - just keep moving, he says.

So we switched child-watching duty, and I went to the lap lane. A lane I don't ever remember getting into - even as a youth? Should I dive in? Do I use the ladder? If I use the ladder, do I go in forward or backwards? What would a REAL swimmer do? And look over there...the handicapped ramp...hmmmm, will they take one look at this orca and figure I need it - cause I can't hoist myself down the ladder? We'll see.

I did a quick jump in right next to the ladder. The water was cold, and I was wearing a skirted swim suit - actually maternity from last summer - or even the summer before that? It was maternity - and the skirt covered my face as I jumped in over my head. I don't think anyone saw me...so it's all good.

I start in on my freestyle. The fastest easiest stroke. Or so the kids make it look that way in swim practice!

As I'm kicking at a medium speed, I remember -- oh - I'd say about 5 strokes into it, that breathing air is actually required. I go a few more strokes, as I debate under the water, do I want to come up front-ways and breathe, or should I use the more stylish "experienced swimmer" side-breathing technique? I need to make a decision NOW, because, well, quite frankly, I'm turning blue. So I go for the stylish experienced swimmer breath. First I come out of the water on my right side, open my mouth wide to suck in as much air as humanly possible.

I did pretty good, except for that little drop of water that snuck in there with my vacuum powered breath. I stopped in the middle of the lap lane and had a full on coughing fit.

Don't worry, no one saw.

So I continued to swim - turns out, I have the lung capacity and pride to go the entire 1/2 distance of a pool without taking a breath.

Next lap, I'm going to do the EASY stroke. Breast stroke. This stroke can be done virtually effortlessly.

Especially if you have breasts - they're very buoyant. You go under water, they pop ya back up...this repetitive effort to stay under water while your god-given life-preserver keeps popping you back up is called the breast stroke.

This stroke is for beginners. It rivals the doggy paddle in style. The great thing about it is you can continue breathing at the same rate of normal breathing without anyone noticing your choking on little water droplets sent to this earth to torment your wind pipes.

As I begin my 2nd lap - going into 50 meters. That's not so hard. I am recuperating from the damaged wind pipe from my previously mentioned freestyle incident, so I'm sure I'm breathing heavier than I would, had that little droplet decided to torment HOLLY instead of me.

Backstroke - I can breathe like a normal person - so - to make up for the fact that I'm completely out of air and pride (otherwise, I'd be on my 5th lap of freestyle by now) I think I'll take a break from WORKING hard, and let the water work for me.

Backstroke is not entirely effortless - especially if you're gifted in the breast stroke arena. You see, Breasts are positively buoyant. They like floating right there on the surface of the water. Which is why I am able to do the breast stoke with such finesse. But when you're on your back, it's a whole nother story.

Breasts enjoy the water...case and point: when I'm in a swim suit with my feet in the pool, they know water is near - you can see them, REACHING, STRETCHING for the water as I'm standing erect.

So on my back, my FRONT is doing a stroke all it's own. My arms knock things that shouldn't be knocked causing a clap which splashes water up my nose.

Somehow I managed to roll back over to my freestyle position and finish off the remaining 5 laps, perfecting my side-breathing...almost.

I walked toward Holly breathing heavier than I knew possible.

She asked "How was it" and then after a brief pause she added "Your nostrils are flaring" I smiled gently as she continued "come sit down, I'll get the oxygen"

The SCUBA instructor told us we'd have to swim 200 meters non-stop.