Debunked New Years Resolutions:

You must have a resolution for every New Year that comes along. I don't know what over-ambitious childless moron started this traditional ridiculocity, but I'll tell you right now what some popular resolutions are - and even show the hidden meaning behind them...which will help explain why my resolution this year is to not have any resolutions!

1 - Stop yelling at the kids. Do people do this? Yes and NO, the trick to this one is that it's okay to yell, but make sure the windows are closed so the neighbors can't hear what an idiot you sound like when squealing about backpacks and cracker crumbs. Also, if you really want to stop yelling at the kids - make sure you watch a video where you are in the background yelling at one of them...when you yell, make sure the video camera is in the OFF position. The key here is *NO WITNESSES*

2 - Lose weight. A lot of people gain weight during the holiday months from Halloween on - you're not really losing it. Nothing goes away - *I* find it all, so I would appreciate you keeping it to yourself.

*****(a) A trick to losing weight is to *deliver a baby* **it should be noted, I will not ever again lose any amount of weight. That is *MY* resolution for LIFE!

*****(a) Another weight loss tip - Don't drink your calories. Instead of drinking a soda or a juicebox, FREEZE it and eat it as a Popsicle. I've read in several places that drinking calories is not good. You will lose plenty of weight by chewing your liquid refreshment. At least twenty chews before you swallow. Chewing also burns calories.

*****(b) Keep hydrated. It's important to drink plenty of liquids. Take your snickers bar and blend it up adequately - freeze it, then chew it at least 20 times before swallowing.

*****(c) Exercise. We've heard this before, and I have an excellent tip for you - most people don't STICK to exercising because they get bored. My tip is this: to keep from getting bored while exercising, eat m&m's. Get a 3 pound bag, and dump them out on the "reading tray" of your treadmill or elliptical (we all know you move too much during exercise and the tray is too far away from your aging eyes to actually SEE text - the only reasonable use for that tray is for holding m&m's). Sort them by color and then eat all of them from the most amount of one color to the least amount of a color. Surprisingly, sorting m&m's takes a lot more time than it used to (they added the blue if you remember) by the time you finish sorting and eating your tasty little treat, you will have burned enough calories to cover an entire sorted color.

3 - Keep the {enter specific room or area of the house} clean. This is done by watching TV. If you avoid all areas of the home, none of them will get dirty - just sit in one place day after day and enjoy some liquid refreshments. Also, when adding children to the equation, do not let them in or out. Let them sleep in a tent. Tents are fun. And not in the house - therefore children tent dwelling doesn't lend itself to getting particular areas of your home cluttered.

4 - Get good grades in school. This is an important one for a lot of students. The key here is to find someone who is so uptight and stressed about school work to copy from. You'll understand this when you are much older and realize that you don't remember a thing from school, so it was a waste...besides school doesn't offer real life experience. Cleaning my refrigerator does.

5 - Become more spiritual. This is not as difficult as many people make it out to be. Every time you take the Lord's name in vain - use it constructively - turn the vain phrase into a prayer and bless the pygmies in New Guinea.

nuf sed.